The Countdown...

It still seems like I am just getting over the surprise of finding out about this little baby...watching in shocked elation as a second line formed on the strip. I was so stunned that I couldn't even wait to tell Jon in a cute or special way with any kind of forethought. I just blurted it out as we backed out of the driveway 30 minutes later and he almost hit the lamp post.
No not expected, but certainly wanted...it was like every Christmas wrapped into a surprise party.
Then the smell of anything made me run for the bathroom for the next 12 weeks.

It shouldn't then, have come as a surprise that she is a "she". But that same feeling of dazed-shocked-joy rushed at us again in the ultrasound room.

And now...she is almost here.

Soon.
PLEASE.

There comes a point in pregnancy where the thought of the exit strategy no longer seems that unappealing. In fact...if they told me she was coming out through my nose, I would agree as long as she was in my arms rather then my body. I would have a sweet baby to snuggle and no more heartburn, migraines, exhaustion, indigestion, waddling, swollen ankles, hot flashes, constant need to pee- well you know...the list goes on (funny how we forget!)  And it was all tolerable...until a certain point.
I reached that point. This past weekend. I am ready to have this baby.
I would like my body back (with the exception of my thick hair...can I keep that?  A parting gift maybe?).
The countdown is on.
I am 35 weeks on Friday...3 more weeks until she is full term... 42 weeks was my longest pregnancy...41 weeks as a close second. I am throwing in the towel earlier this time...she has a few weeks before the infamous eviction notice is composed... So baby...enjoy your final time at Chez Utero...I know you have enjoyed your time here; complimentary meals, automatic temperature control, special events such as "kick the bladder". We try to foresee and accommodate every need but soon...it will be time to move on to better things.
Just a heads up (or down...or whatever).

Life Right Now

I think people are surprised when they see us being so....normal. I don't know what I thought Cancer would be like...probably like the movies. Bald, sick, nightmarish, sadness, despair... but Cancer depiction in the movies is a lot like pregnancy; hormonal crying jags, bossy man hating women with bowling ball bellies eating pickles and eventually giving birth in an elevator. 

Not all accurate. 

What life really looks like is...well probably what each individual makes of it. But we are determined to nail this so I'd say we know a thing or two about a thing or two. 

Jon has a "portacath" in his chest. It is a line that goes directly into his jugular vein by his heart so that it is easily accessible since he has so many injections, IV's and drug treatments they can all go in there. The other option was a IV line in his arm but that has to be covered when he gets wet and could get ripped out by one of the boys accidentally because of the location.

Every other Friday Jon has blood work done at the Cancer center where we live (which we are tremendously blessed to have about 20 minutes away from our home). It feels more like a resort than a hospital wing with beautiful art, barn doors, atriums, meditation gardens and nurses and volunteers who are extremely supportive and doting. Jon...of course is a favorite:) 

I can't go with Jon to his Chemotherapy treatments because I can't be in the room as I am pregnant. It is too toxic. He then, is considered toxic upon leaving after half a day on an IV of a concoction designed to kill his cells...good and bad. He takes home a "pump" with more drugs in it that drains into his portocath for 46 hours afterwards. During this time it is very important that the pump not get spilled. For this reason he goes to his treatments with his Mom (more commonly referred to as Gramma around here, but Jon's Mother first) and she brings him home with her afterwards to spend the next two days resting. On Sunday Morning Jon comes home and a nurse comes in to "unhook" him from his pump. Then his detoxing begins. 

These symptoms consist of fatigue, nausea, diarrhea, and others. He experiences neuropathy symptoms that don't allow him to touch anything cold without discomfort or pain. If he drinks or eats anything cold he feels like his throat is closing up, he gets shooting pain in his jaw when he chews and he also has a lot of food and smell aversions and is prone to mouth sores.

During this detox period of about 5 days any body fluids are not safe for me or the boys to be around. He uses his own bathroom, has to flush twice, wash his clothes and bedding twice in hot water (which his mom kindly does for us). We can't sleep in the same room so we have made a guest bedroom on the third floor for me and the baby when she comes. 

The point of the drugs is that is kills fast growing cells. Some of these cells unfortunately are very necessary, like white blood cells. Jon has missed the last 2 weeks of treatment because his white blood cell count has remained low. This Friday we are hopeful that they will be up enough to continue. My mom comes over after work and stays for the weekend with me. My dad comes on Saturday to play with the boys and do any projects that I need him to help out with. Jon's parents look after him. I don't know what we would do without them.

With the upcoming birth of our long awaited little girl, we were worried about the timing around Jon's treatment. It will be difficult for him to attend if labor begins during one of his treatment or detox days. We decided, along with our midwives that an elective induction would be the solution. As we sat with this decision though, it didn't feel as reassuring as we had hoped. We knew it was the wrong one. Through this experience we have really grown to trust God;s timing.  We will continue to do this. My midwives introduced me to a doula (a labor support woman) who generously offered her services without charge to us. She will accompany me to the hospital (she lives only about 2 minutes away from me) and remain with me for the birth, with or without Jon. The prospect of Jon not being able to be there is a difficult one, but he will see her very soon afterwards and it will be all the more exciting when he does get to meet his daughter. Our hope though, of course is that he will be able to witness her birth.

We are learning to be flexible, faithful and optimistic in everything. 

"It will all work out in the end. If it hasn't worked out...then it isn't the end.

What do we do? 

We feel the forceful and reassuring kicks of our baby girl. 

We enjoy spending time together as a family. 

We laugh a lot. 

We appreciate that we can do hard things. 

We hold strong to our faith. 

We do not allow ourselves to get too discouraged for too long. 

We play with our boys. We talk about them long after they have gone to bed. 

We wonder how we could possibly ever express to our families the gratitude we have for the help and support they endlessly give us.

We try to make life as normal and simple as possible. 

We enjoy our new home. 

We talk about plans for the future but mostly try to enjoy today. 

We love each other. 

We seek out stories of inspiration that remind us what is possible and how mindful God is of us.

Farm School Season!

 Ben is planting potatoes.

 Jacob has really sensitive ears...he has his hands over them a lot!

 He is also a good worker!

Daddy came!(At Jacob's insistence!)

         Gramma and Jakey feeding the ponies.




We love farm school! We are so fortunate to have this resource a few minutes from our house. Jacob is a lot more involved this year which is so fun to see.

Mommy's Helper

Jacob loves more than anything to follow me around and "help mommy". He wants to do everything I am doing and finds such accomplishment in helping with an adult task. There is nothing he won't do though spraying the cleaning spray on the counters, bringing out the garbage, getting the mail and using the little kitchen floor vacuum are among his favorites. Afterwards he will proudly declare "Jakey, big guy!" It melts me and forces me to forget that the job at hand took 30 times as long to complete with his "help":) *** Yes he did unload the potato chips and avocado's into the freezer drawer... I did remember to move them when he wasn't watching:)

Jacob loves to dress up...usually with everything at once! This kid is such a character! I never can guess what he will come up with next.

Brothers

As Jacob nears two and half he and Ben are able to play a lot more. He can follow instruction to the games Ben dictates, makes up and organizes. He enthusiastically obliges but is also displaying an opinion of his own. They really love each other and nothing makes me happier than watching their relationship. They are best friends. I think they make great buddies! All they need is a sister to tell them what's what.

Ben and Jacob are very excited for their new sister to arrive. They seem to understand more than we realize...the final piece of the puzzle... They talk about her everyday, talk to my stomach, whisper to my stomach (they seem to think that my belly button is a direct line to her), sing to my stomach... they are going to be such great big brothers for her. They also LOVE her accessories...and because she is a baby of the pink variety she has many accessories! Ben came down the other day causally sporting her newborn baby shoes. We can't wait for her to arrive!