Dear Ella

When I was expecting Benjamin and Jacob I began to dream of their futures as soon as the life changing line began to form on the pregnancy test strip. I imagined dinky cars and soccer games, summer vacations, summer days at the beach, training wheels and a beautiful life in store for them.

When I was pregnant with you I had trouble envisioning what the future would look like. Our present life at that time took everything I had to get through it and under the weight of overwhelming exhaustion I had trouble imagining what tomorrow would look like much less be able to dream for your future.

In the middle of homeschooling our kindergarten student, packing and moving houses, coping with Jon's surgeries and the start of chemotherapy while wrangling a two year old...the nine months of pregnancy felt more like years, full of long, hard moments that stretched on and on.  I was already as tired mentally, emotionally and physically as one person could be while still standing upright; how would a newborn fit into all of this?! You were being born to a mother who had no more worry left to dole out however, and so my fear did not trump my pure happiness at the thought of a daughter.
When it simply felt like too much for one person to bear...I was reminded that I was not one...rather I was two. And so I forced sleep on myself and continued to nourish our body even when I barely had the energy left to chew.
You were hope.
In secret moments of despair, sadness and hopelessness when my optimistic and positive resolve cracked I could go to you.
There is nothing I love more than a baby. The thought of wispy hair, the weight of your little body, tiny toes and that smell...that perfect smell, could bring me out of the darkest places.
You would roll and kick at all the right times, in the moments I needed to be reminded that I believe in a God of miracles.

The moment I met my daughter is etched so clearly into my memory I can pull it up with the most vivid of recollection.
 You laid, just born on the bed in front of me with your eyes wide. You were silent and intense and stared at me while your skin turned from a soft grey hue to a bright pink. You never cried. You just lay there, confident with life. I thought you were so beautiful it was difficult to even blink away for a moment. The essence of who you are  was tangible, your spirit so big, this little body could barely contain you and I felt fear slip away.

This was a girl who could dream bigger than I ever could for her and more special than I ever dreamed she would be.

My Elizabeth Annabella Joy.
My darling girl, 
Happy birthday.