You are due to arrive in 14 days. You have two brothers and a sister who will tell you...every ten minutes if you care to be reminded. This is one excited family!
It still doesn't seem real somedays. We didn't think we would be so fortunate to have another baby in our family. When your dad was going through Chemotherapy almost three years ago we were told again and again that a significant side effect to the treatment would be that we would not have any more children. We have two little boys and a brand new daughter. We accepted that we were already very blessed and we needed him to be healthy again, whatever the cost. We had to accept the good and the bad.
And yet.
Someone was missing. You lingered in the back of our minds...I would accidently buy four of things I should be buying three of. Four Christmas stockings, four Easter baskets, I would take four children's plates out of the cupboard for lunch.... four just felt...right. I had dreams of a faceless baby with such familiarity that I knew it must be mine. I would wake with aching arms, missing someone. But I pushed these things out of my head. Your dad had also expressed regret that we would never again have a baby in our family as Ella became more and more independent and the dynamics of our family started to change. But I didn't want him to feel badly for something that he couldn't control. We were happy with the family we had...even if there was someone lingering...
One night Jacob asked me how babies come to families. I told him that God decides when people get babies. He asked if we could ask God for a baby.
I said we could, but God might be finished giving babies to our family, since we had already received three great ones.
He was insistent.
Your brother Jacob said the sweetest little prayer. This little four year old boy asked God if he could send us a baby. I was teary at the end, for the sweetness of it, for Jacobs nurturing and sensitive spirit, for fear of the disappointment he might face when I would tell him eventually that there would be no more babies and for the glimmer of hope that I couldn't quite help but feel.
Could I just allow myself a moment of memories? Of sentimental wistfulness? To think of the big moments when life is so clear and the purpose and meaning is laid in a swaddled bundle for the first time. The sinking weight of a new baby who lays all their trust on you, their innocence and possibility felt in the nine pounds on your chest. The full realization of love in its deepest form. The sweet smell of newness and a tiny clenched fist around your finger.... would we ever again be so lucky?
We could hope... Jacob and I.. Just for a moment.
God listens to four year olds. He hears sweet little prayers whispered before bed and is mindful of the hopeful, moist eyes of their mothers.
And God has bigger plans. Because even when Doctors said you wouldn't be...He said, you would.
Two weeks later, I was pregnant.
We could barely believe it, your dad and I. We were in shock for a good few months. I was reminded of the realities repeatedly over the toilet bowl but otherwise we would resort to a steady state of shock and gratefulness.
Seeing you on the ultrasound for the first time as a whole little person was an extra special Christmas present. We were so excited to learn we would be expecting another son to welcome in spring. We chose this time to tell your brothers and sister. To say they are excited is such an understed description of their anticipation
Well now we are weeks away and our family is feeling complete as your presence is so much apart of our daily life. Your name means, of course... Gift of God.
And we believe you are.
We cannot wait to meet you!
Love Mommy
xoxo
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