On Layaway

I hear the expression "you are only given what you can handle" frequently. By others and my own reassurances.

I was, however mistaken.

The fog of denial was lifting. The full weight of our current situation was fully beginning to set in and I was feeling a rush of hormones and emotions tangoing in a dangerous direction. My thoughts were dark and pessimistic. I was angry, resentful and bordering on hopeless exhaustion during yet another sleepless night.

Thoughts of a move with a husband post surgery, a new baby and chemo, 2 little boys with their world turned upside down and...me. I needed to be more than I am. NOW.

I felt desperate and so very very inadequate. I was not enough. There is a mistake because I cannot handle this.

I cannot breeze through my entire life with a charm hanging over my head to be crash coursed into a scenario such as this and be expected to be the brave, strong, energetic and faithful everything to so many people who all need all of me.

I cannot.
I cannot.
I cannot.

And it is true.

I could not.

"7 Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you:

8 For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that aseeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened." Mathew:7-8

We prayed. We prayed and we prayed. We could FEEL the prayers of those around us. I asked for what I didn't currently posses. Peace. Comfort. Faith.

It was an epiphany of sorts as I sat in my thicker skin, with my fuller heart.

I had falsely believed that people who go through great trials are strong. I would be exempt, certainly. But on the contrary...it is the weak who are made strong by the things they were certain they could not do.

When we ask Him for what we need to carry on however, his Grace provides this. I am living off of borrowed strength.

My strength is on layaway. Bit by bit, I will earn more and more to own myself. For now, his grace is sufficient and I am grateful for it.

Plasma Racers

Around and around and around the kitchen island they go! All day long (and they are LOUD!) These are the biggest hit of any toy so far. This winter, when two energetic boys have been stuck inside on too many days we are sure loving plasma cars!! They are rescue hero's, race car drivers and lately "toe truck drivers" (??) I am amazed at how fast they can go! (Thank you Grammie and Grandad!)

Why Us?

It is a struggle not to dwell on this question. Why Us?
Why, when we did everything "right" would this happen to us. We did everything on the "Cancer Prevention" list and more...and yet, here we are.
Our organic eating, green smoothie drinking, vitamin pill popping, natural cleaners, reverse osmosis, hepa filtering selves are in the thick of exactly what we were trying to escape.
I would hate for someone to throw in the towel in their life because of our example. I would hate for someone to say "well look at them! They did all these things right and it really didn't matter! Why bother trying?"
I admit that in moments of weakness and resentment at the unfairness of it all that I haven't let that cross my mind. Why Bother?! All of our best efforts and look where it got us?
But perhaps we were missing the lesson. Perhaps it was all of these choices that we made to prioritize our health and be proactive in preventative medicine that allows us to be so otherwise healthy. Perhaps it is why the cancer has grown slowly and why he otherwise feels generally well, why he will go through treatments with a strong body and a quick recovery. We will reap the rewards of our efforts, if not for the ways we imagined.
Perhaps it is the irony and exactly the unfairness of it all that we needed. WE are not in control.
WE simply need to do the best we can with what we are given. We did it then and we will do it now. In this lesson of faithful acceptance we are tested on another level BECAUSE it is the very thing that we least expected. That we didn't "deserve".
With that then, the question remains simply; "why NOT us?"

Footprints in the Sand

Most people are familiar with the touching and much quoted poem about the two sets of footprints in the sand. One set belongs to the man, whose life he is reflecting on. The other set beside his belongs to the Lord who walked beside him through life. He questions God; "Why during the most difficult times of my life are their only one set of footprints? Why would you leave me when I needed you most" God answers "I would never leave you. It is then that I carried you".

If this was my life the conversation would also go;
"Why God, are there long trenches of imprints in the sand between the footprints?"
He would answer;
"My child, it is then when I dragged you".

No. I would not have picked this trial. Not now. Not at 5 months pregnant. Not 8 weeks before moving to a new house. Not in the middle of our perfect life that I love. Not to my best friend. Not to Daddy. Not now. Probably not ever.

But I trust His plan. I really do. Some days it is so hard. It is so hard I cannot possibly do it alone. But I don't have to.

I can feel the support under my arms. Sometimes dragging me to the next chapter of this journey but most importantly holding me up.

The Joy of Cancer

Not long ago I wrote about CHOOSING joy. . There are times when this choice is tested...now is one of those times. There are times when you want to fall apart, give up, break down and call it a day. But you can choose not to.
It isn't always easy.

Two weeks ago, after a season of being a little more tired than usual and a complexion reflecting more limited sunlight...so we thought... Jon became quite weak. He couldn't go up the stairs without stopping, and then he couldn't climb them without sitting down. His Doctor ordered a multitude of tests to find the reasoning behind his racing breath and heart.

When the results came back he was advised to go straight to the emergency room. His hemoglobin levels were very low and he received two units of blood. The more worrisome question was "why"?

Jon went for a colonoscopy a few days later and the results were obvious.

There are moments of your life, that you imagine, just to be cruel to yourself, just to remind yourself that things could be worse. Just to throw back up the walls of your bubble and say "good thing that won't happen to us".

Until it does.

Jon has Cancer.

rather, I should say- it HAD him.

Jon is now FIGHTING Cancer.

The thing about this is that it is not a condition that only one person acquires. It is something that a FAMILY experiences. It impacts on many and differing levels everyone involved.

WE are fighting Cancer. The entire family, and we couldn't do it without them!

There is power in numbers. We are bigger, braver, stronger and more determined than this cancer could ever be.

We are beating it.

We will do it with joy.
It doesn't mean it will be easy...far from it. But we will find the joy in the outpouring of kindness, support, love, prayers and service given so generously to us. We will find joy in every single moment we are gifted with. We will find joy in laughter and tears. We will find Joy in the moments that seem more like a blessing then we may not have otherwise realized. We will find joy in the strength we gain individually and as a family as we go through this.

We will find Joy in Cancer.

Happy Birthday Jacob!

Jacob! Two years ago you came so quickly and easily into our lives. You have continued this trend ever since. You are an easy boy. Happy, content, funny. you have simple loves; Mommy, Daddy, Ben. Vegetables (?! seriously, you can't get enough of them!) playing with tractors, babies, and books. You love to rock with me in your rocking chair before sleeping. And you are so easily amused and excited. When the mood hits (often) you do a happy little jig because there is just so much joy inside to keep to yourself.

You are our little burst of sunshine every morning.
I can't look at you without being overwhelmed by how I feel about you.
Those big blue eyes make it hard to say no to you...and you know it. You are cheeky and sweet. A delightful little person.

I can't wait to see who you grow into in this year. Your personality is steadily emerging as is your vocabulary. "Hi there!" "Bye now!" "Mu-mmy!(like I am being scolded) "Bo-bble" (your beloved bottle).

You love your Daddy so much. I can hear you whispering "Daddy-Daddy-Daddy" under your breath when you aren't even aware of it. You are SO excited when he gets home from work. It is a celebrity sighting every afternoon. Before you go to sleep you have me change the words to your favorite songs to "Daddy" Right now
the nightly line up is "Baa baa Daddy" "My Old Daddy Had a farm- Eiei-o" and "The Daddy on the bus says I love you". You two are peas in a pod.

My favorite memory of you recently is standing on the toy box in front of the loft window begging the snow plow we had seen the day before to come back- "Peees tractor- More?" so desperately. I was about to break it to you that our quiet little crescent rarely sees such a treat, But despite my pessimism- it CAME!. Your reaction was equivalent to a significant lottery win- cheering, yelling, dancing your happy jig on the toy box.
Gosh, I love you.


I am so blessed to be your Mother. I am grateful for the moments of your life I have been privileged to experience with you. I am proud of you and I absolutely adore everything about you.

I am remembering the first time I held you. Immediately you were placed, slippery and new on my chest. It was a shocking sight...a whole little person, who never existed before. I am still in awe today that of all the boys in the world, we got the very best ones.

Happy Birthday sweet boy. I love being your Mommy.

2012 Theme

My personal theme for 2012 is... Authenticity.

This means I am going to be concentrating more of my energy on the things that I AM rather than the things I am now resolved I will never be.

What I am not;

Launderer.

I will continue to dump large laundry baskets of unsorted items into the machine and press buttons until it comes out clean (or at least unsmelly). Then I will pile folded stacks on top of the dryer and live out of those piles abandoning all notions that it will make it up to see drawers before the wearer needs it.
I will send over the worst of the stains to the laundry queen...my mother in law, gratefully and unsheepishly explain that yes, that splot of ketchup and I think melted chocolate have been mingling on that little shirt for over a month. I will give up the goal that I will ever know what to do with a can of spray starch over an ironing board and will continue, rather to build my boys collection of sweater vests to hide the wrinkles on their Sunday best.

Kitchen Savy.

Get in. Get out. That is my new resolve. Stick with what I know. Stop wishing for skills and culinary imagination that I don't posses. The same breakfast every morning for two years seems to still be going strong. If it ain't broke...well...I am in no hurry to fix it.

Decorator.

I love the look of other people's homes who put so much time and energy into the seasonal details of their home. Flowers, knick knacks, decorations, lights, garland and little embellishments to mark upcoming holidays. I imagine one of the highlights of this is the process of unpacking each item and reminiscing about seasons past. Packing up allows one to look forward to the next occasion....I find this, however, to be the most dreadful of chores. I really despise the maintenance of "stuff"...Many times a week, usually while I am sorting through 1040 rogue puzzle pieces mixed with waffle blocks and tool bits I imagine the house of my dreams I once read about called "innermost house". It is my "happy place", a small space with only the necessitates. What they do have is beautiful, high quality and used often.
I think some people connect to things externally and others connect more so internally. I am the later and a chaotic environment around me makes me anxious. Some derive comfort from objects in an environment, others derive comfort from lack of. Because Jon and I are opposite in this, there is some compromise required but he too agrees we have far more "stuff" than necessary or desired.

HOWEVER- I do love the finished product of beautifully decorated homes I see around me, on blogs and pinterest. I have the desire for the result in my own home, but no inclination to pursue the process I find more stressful than it is worth. So until we can afford a decorator (and a chef, and a launderer...) I am giving it up. It's just not...me.

Innermost House






Crafty.

This is the big one that completes the home maker image I had for myself. Cute little handmadeit's for gifts...custom fabrics from Etsy shops, unique and one of a kind labors of love. Modgepodged somethings and bins of organized supplies brimming with possibilities...or dust. As it currently stands.

I am not a crafter. I am creative, yes. But not with a gluegun. I am going to be sorting through the basement this week...cleaning and chucking...and I know that there will be some crafter somewhere who will stumble into the thrift store on the right day and find the mother-load that was my bin of intentioned creativity. "Have at er" I say! Good ridence!


I am looking forward to letting go of the stress that can come from uncreased pants, lackluster dinners, half completed crafts and overflowing Christmas boxes. I will have so much time left for...me. What I really know to be and the things I know I love that come easily and naturally.

I have heard that your "20's" are the years that you can really discover who you are. I think this is absolutely true. I want to settle into being that person proudly before I turn 30 at the end of the year.