From the Inside!

Here SHE is!
She looks perfect, we can't WAIT to meet little Missy!

*The top picture is her face, the second is her the back of her head and spine and the last is her profile. You can't see in the pictures as we could on the screen but she has chubby little cheeks, full lips and kept rubbing her face with her little hands. Her Daddy melted right there on the floor.

From the Outside!

20 weeks! This little baby is halfway baked and time is sure flying. I am starting to knock my stomach of off door frames when I walk out of a room or shut the fridge door on myself because I popped out so suddenly I haven't had time to adjust! Sorry baby!

Love

What an example he is. Everything he goes through he does with strength, dignity and an enviable amount of faith and integrity.
He will not complain. He will not pity himself or his situation. He will not give up.

I just love him so much.

On Layaway

I hear the expression "you are only given what you can handle" frequently. By others and my own reassurances.

I was, however mistaken.

The fog of denial was lifting. The full weight of our current situation was fully beginning to set in and I was feeling a rush of hormones and emotions tangoing in a dangerous direction. My thoughts were dark and pessimistic. I was angry, resentful and bordering on hopeless exhaustion during yet another sleepless night.

Thoughts of a move with a husband post surgery, a new baby and chemo, 2 little boys with their world turned upside down and...me. I needed to be more than I am. NOW.

I felt desperate and so very very inadequate. I was not enough. There is a mistake because I cannot handle this.

I cannot breeze through my entire life with a charm hanging over my head to be crash coursed into a scenario such as this and be expected to be the brave, strong, energetic and faithful everything to so many people who all need all of me.

I cannot.
I cannot.
I cannot.

And it is true.

I could not.

"7 Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you:

8 For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that aseeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened." Mathew:7-8

We prayed. We prayed and we prayed. We could FEEL the prayers of those around us. I asked for what I didn't currently posses. Peace. Comfort. Faith.

It was an epiphany of sorts as I sat in my thicker skin, with my fuller heart.

I had falsely believed that people who go through great trials are strong. I would be exempt, certainly. But on the contrary...it is the weak who are made strong by the things they were certain they could not do.

When we ask Him for what we need to carry on however, his Grace provides this. I am living off of borrowed strength.

My strength is on layaway. Bit by bit, I will earn more and more to own myself. For now, his grace is sufficient and I am grateful for it.

Plasma Racers

Around and around and around the kitchen island they go! All day long (and they are LOUD!) These are the biggest hit of any toy so far. This winter, when two energetic boys have been stuck inside on too many days we are sure loving plasma cars!! They are rescue hero's, race car drivers and lately "toe truck drivers" (??) I am amazed at how fast they can go! (Thank you Grammie and Grandad!)

Why Us?

It is a struggle not to dwell on this question. Why Us?
Why, when we did everything "right" would this happen to us. We did everything on the "Cancer Prevention" list and more...and yet, here we are.
Our organic eating, green smoothie drinking, vitamin pill popping, natural cleaners, reverse osmosis, hepa filtering selves are in the thick of exactly what we were trying to escape.
I would hate for someone to throw in the towel in their life because of our example. I would hate for someone to say "well look at them! They did all these things right and it really didn't matter! Why bother trying?"
I admit that in moments of weakness and resentment at the unfairness of it all that I haven't let that cross my mind. Why Bother?! All of our best efforts and look where it got us?
But perhaps we were missing the lesson. Perhaps it was all of these choices that we made to prioritize our health and be proactive in preventative medicine that allows us to be so otherwise healthy. Perhaps it is why the cancer has grown slowly and why he otherwise feels generally well, why he will go through treatments with a strong body and a quick recovery. We will reap the rewards of our efforts, if not for the ways we imagined.
Perhaps it is the irony and exactly the unfairness of it all that we needed. WE are not in control.
WE simply need to do the best we can with what we are given. We did it then and we will do it now. In this lesson of faithful acceptance we are tested on another level BECAUSE it is the very thing that we least expected. That we didn't "deserve".
With that then, the question remains simply; "why NOT us?"

Footprints in the Sand

Most people are familiar with the touching and much quoted poem about the two sets of footprints in the sand. One set belongs to the man, whose life he is reflecting on. The other set beside his belongs to the Lord who walked beside him through life. He questions God; "Why during the most difficult times of my life are their only one set of footprints? Why would you leave me when I needed you most" God answers "I would never leave you. It is then that I carried you".

If this was my life the conversation would also go;
"Why God, are there long trenches of imprints in the sand between the footprints?"
He would answer;
"My child, it is then when I dragged you".

No. I would not have picked this trial. Not now. Not at 5 months pregnant. Not 8 weeks before moving to a new house. Not in the middle of our perfect life that I love. Not to my best friend. Not to Daddy. Not now. Probably not ever.

But I trust His plan. I really do. Some days it is so hard. It is so hard I cannot possibly do it alone. But I don't have to.

I can feel the support under my arms. Sometimes dragging me to the next chapter of this journey but most importantly holding me up.