From all Around...

Ben came bursting out of the bathroom the other day (I have noticed that men...big and small do their best thinking in the bathroom?!) and said;
"Mommy! We are having a baby girl and we are calling her...(shyly looks away and grins at me sheepishly) Ella!

I told him that we trust that God has picked the very best baby to come to our family and that might be a girl OR a boy.

He wasn't convinced.

Last night we told him that we were going to get pictures of the new baby taken by a special camera so we could see what baby looked like and we could know if it was a boy or a girl.

"Remember! I ONLY want a girl!"

Mmmm.

He was very excited to hear that he is getting the baby sister he wanted so much and has been drawing her pictures ever since. (I am going to keep them all for her.) He is only calling her Ella. Fortunately this would work well as a nickname for another name that was high on the "girl list".

Jakey? He dances around like a maniac if you even mention the word "baby" -the boy LOVES them. He is so rough and tough and boy all over but put him near a baby and he is so sweet and gentle with his trembling hand trying to be touch gently and his little falsetto voice he talks to them in. I can't wait for my boys to meet their little sister, she is a lucky girl!

From the Inside!

Here SHE is!
She looks perfect, we can't WAIT to meet little Missy!

*The top picture is her face, the second is her the back of her head and spine and the last is her profile. You can't see in the pictures as we could on the screen but she has chubby little cheeks, full lips and kept rubbing her face with her little hands. Her Daddy melted right there on the floor.

From the Outside!

20 weeks! This little baby is halfway baked and time is sure flying. I am starting to knock my stomach of off door frames when I walk out of a room or shut the fridge door on myself because I popped out so suddenly I haven't had time to adjust! Sorry baby!

Love

What an example he is. Everything he goes through he does with strength, dignity and an enviable amount of faith and integrity.
He will not complain. He will not pity himself or his situation. He will not give up.

I just love him so much.

On Layaway

I hear the expression "you are only given what you can handle" frequently. By others and my own reassurances.

I was, however mistaken.

The fog of denial was lifting. The full weight of our current situation was fully beginning to set in and I was feeling a rush of hormones and emotions tangoing in a dangerous direction. My thoughts were dark and pessimistic. I was angry, resentful and bordering on hopeless exhaustion during yet another sleepless night.

Thoughts of a move with a husband post surgery, a new baby and chemo, 2 little boys with their world turned upside down and...me. I needed to be more than I am. NOW.

I felt desperate and so very very inadequate. I was not enough. There is a mistake because I cannot handle this.

I cannot breeze through my entire life with a charm hanging over my head to be crash coursed into a scenario such as this and be expected to be the brave, strong, energetic and faithful everything to so many people who all need all of me.

I cannot.
I cannot.
I cannot.

And it is true.

I could not.

"7 Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you:

8 For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that aseeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened." Mathew:7-8

We prayed. We prayed and we prayed. We could FEEL the prayers of those around us. I asked for what I didn't currently posses. Peace. Comfort. Faith.

It was an epiphany of sorts as I sat in my thicker skin, with my fuller heart.

I had falsely believed that people who go through great trials are strong. I would be exempt, certainly. But on the contrary...it is the weak who are made strong by the things they were certain they could not do.

When we ask Him for what we need to carry on however, his Grace provides this. I am living off of borrowed strength.

My strength is on layaway. Bit by bit, I will earn more and more to own myself. For now, his grace is sufficient and I am grateful for it.

Plasma Racers

Around and around and around the kitchen island they go! All day long (and they are LOUD!) These are the biggest hit of any toy so far. This winter, when two energetic boys have been stuck inside on too many days we are sure loving plasma cars!! They are rescue hero's, race car drivers and lately "toe truck drivers" (??) I am amazed at how fast they can go! (Thank you Grammie and Grandad!)

Why Us?

It is a struggle not to dwell on this question. Why Us?
Why, when we did everything "right" would this happen to us. We did everything on the "Cancer Prevention" list and more...and yet, here we are.
Our organic eating, green smoothie drinking, vitamin pill popping, natural cleaners, reverse osmosis, hepa filtering selves are in the thick of exactly what we were trying to escape.
I would hate for someone to throw in the towel in their life because of our example. I would hate for someone to say "well look at them! They did all these things right and it really didn't matter! Why bother trying?"
I admit that in moments of weakness and resentment at the unfairness of it all that I haven't let that cross my mind. Why Bother?! All of our best efforts and look where it got us?
But perhaps we were missing the lesson. Perhaps it was all of these choices that we made to prioritize our health and be proactive in preventative medicine that allows us to be so otherwise healthy. Perhaps it is why the cancer has grown slowly and why he otherwise feels generally well, why he will go through treatments with a strong body and a quick recovery. We will reap the rewards of our efforts, if not for the ways we imagined.
Perhaps it is the irony and exactly the unfairness of it all that we needed. WE are not in control.
WE simply need to do the best we can with what we are given. We did it then and we will do it now. In this lesson of faithful acceptance we are tested on another level BECAUSE it is the very thing that we least expected. That we didn't "deserve".
With that then, the question remains simply; "why NOT us?"