Most people are familiar with the touching and much quoted poem about the two sets of footprints in the sand. One set belongs to the man, whose life he is reflecting on. The other set beside his belongs to the Lord who walked beside him through life. He questions God; "Why during the most difficult times of my life are their only one set of footprints? Why would you leave me when I needed you most" God answers "I would never leave you. It is then that I carried you".
If this was my life the conversation would also go; "Why God, are there long trenches of imprints in the sand between the footprints?" He would answer; "My child, it is then when I dragged you".
No. I would not have picked this trial. Not now. Not at 5 months pregnant. Not 8 weeks before moving to a new house. Not in the middle of our perfect life that I love. Not to my best friend. Not to Daddy. Not now. Probably not ever.
But I trust His plan. I really do. Some days it is so hard. It is so hard I cannot possibly do it alone. But I don't have to.
I can feel the support under my arms. Sometimes dragging me to the next chapter of this journey but most importantly holding me up.
Not long ago I wrote about CHOOSING joy. . There are times when this choice is tested...now is one of those times. There are times when you want to fall apart, give up, break down and call it a day. But you can choose not to. It isn't always easy.
Two weeks ago, after a season of being a little more tired than usual and a complexion reflecting more limited sunlight...so we thought... Jon became quite weak. He couldn't go up the stairs without stopping, and then he couldn't climb them without sitting down. His Doctor ordered a multitude of tests to find the reasoning behind his racing breath and heart.
When the results came back he was advised to go straight to the emergency room. His hemoglobin levels were very low and he received two units of blood. The more worrisome question was "why"?
Jon went for a colonoscopy a few days later and the results were obvious.
There are moments of your life, that you imagine, just to be cruel to yourself, just to remind yourself that things could be worse. Just to throw back up the walls of your bubble and say "good thing that won't happen to us".
Until it does.
Jon has Cancer.
rather, I should say- it HAD him.
Jon is now FIGHTING Cancer.
The thing about this is that it is not a condition that only one person acquires. It is something that a FAMILY experiences. It impacts on many and differing levels everyone involved.
WE are fighting Cancer. The entire family, and we couldn't do it without them!
There is power in numbers. We are bigger, braver, stronger and more determined than this cancer could ever be.
We are beating it.
We will do it with joy. It doesn't mean it will be easy...far from it. But we will find the joy in the outpouring of kindness, support, love, prayers and service given so generously to us. We will find joy in every single moment we are gifted with. We will find joy in laughter and tears. We will find Joy in the moments that seem more like a blessing then we may not have otherwise realized. We will find joy in the strength we gain individually and as a family as we go through this.
Jacob! Two years ago you came so quickly and easily into our lives. You have continued this trend ever since. You are an easy boy. Happy, content, funny. you have simple loves; Mommy, Daddy, Ben. Vegetables (?! seriously, you can't get enough of them!) playing with tractors, babies, and books. You love to rock with me in your rocking chair before sleeping. And you are so easily amused and excited. When the mood hits (often) you do a happy little jig because there is just so much joy inside to keep to yourself.
You are our little burst of sunshine every morning. I can't look at you without being overwhelmed by how I feel about you. Those big blue eyes make it hard to say no to you...and you know it. You are cheeky and sweet. A delightful little person.
I can't wait to see who you grow into in this year. Your personality is steadily emerging as is your vocabulary. "Hi there!" "Bye now!" "Mu-mmy!(like I am being scolded) "Bo-bble" (your beloved bottle).
You love your Daddy so much. I can hear you whispering "Daddy-Daddy-Daddy" under your breath when you aren't even aware of it. You are SO excited when he gets home from work. It is a celebrity sighting every afternoon. Before you go to sleep you have me change the words to your favorite songs to "Daddy" Right now the nightly line up is "Baa baa Daddy" "My Old Daddy Had a farm- Eiei-o" and "The Daddy on the bus says I love you". You two are peas in a pod.
My favorite memory of you recently is standing on the toy box in front of the loft window begging the snow plow we had seen the day before to come back- "Peees tractor- More?" so desperately. I was about to break it to you that our quiet little crescent rarely sees such a treat, But despite my pessimism- it CAME!. Your reaction was equivalent to a significant lottery win- cheering, yelling, dancing your happy jig on the toy box. Gosh, I love you.
I am so blessed to be your Mother. I am grateful for the moments of your life I have been privileged to experience with you. I am proud of you and I absolutely adore everything about you.
I am remembering the first time I held you. Immediately you were placed, slippery and new on my chest. It was a shocking sight...a whole little person, who never existed before. I am still in awe today that of all the boys in the world, we got the very best ones.
Happy Birthday sweet boy. I love being your Mommy.
This means I am going to be concentrating more of my energy on the things that I AM rather than the things I am now resolved I will never be.
What I am not;
Launderer.
I will continue to dump large laundry baskets of unsorted items into the machine and press buttons until it comes out clean (or at least unsmelly). Then I will pile folded stacks on top of the dryer and live out of those piles abandoning all notions that it will make it up to see drawers before the wearer needs it. I will send over the worst of the stains to the laundry queen...my mother in law, gratefully and unsheepishly explain that yes, that splot of ketchup and I think melted chocolate have been mingling on that little shirt for over a month. I will give up the goal that I will ever know what to do with a can of spray starch over an ironing board and will continue, rather to build my boys collection of sweater vests to hide the wrinkles on their Sunday best.
Kitchen Savy.
Get in. Get out. That is my new resolve. Stick with what I know. Stop wishing for skills and culinary imagination that I don't posses. The same breakfast every morning for two years seems to still be going strong. If it ain't broke...well...I am in no hurry to fix it.
Decorator.
I love the look of other people's homes who put so much time and energy into the seasonal details of their home. Flowers, knick knacks, decorations, lights, garland and little embellishments to mark upcoming holidays. I imagine one of the highlights of this is the process of unpacking each item and reminiscing about seasons past. Packing up allows one to look forward to the next occasion....I find this, however, to be the most dreadful of chores. I really despise the maintenance of "stuff"...Many times a week, usually while I am sorting through 1040 rogue puzzle pieces mixed with waffle blocks and tool bits I imagine the house of my dreams I once read about called "innermost house". It is my "happy place", a small space with only the necessitates. What they do have is beautiful, high quality and used often. I think some people connect to things externally and others connect more so internally. I am the later and a chaotic environment around me makes me anxious. Some derive comfort from objects in an environment, others derive comfort from lack of. Because Jon and I are opposite in this, there is some compromise required but he too agrees we have far more "stuff" than necessary or desired.
HOWEVER- I do love the finished product of beautifully decorated homes I see around me, on blogs and pinterest. I have the desire for the result in my own home, but no inclination to pursue the process I find more stressful than it is worth. So until we can afford a decorator (and a chef, and a launderer...) I am giving it up. It's just not...me.
Innermost House
Crafty.
This is the big one that completes the home maker image I had for myself. Cute little handmadeit's for gifts...custom fabrics from Etsy shops, unique and one of a kind labors of love. Modgepodged somethings and bins of organized supplies brimming with possibilities...or dust. As it currently stands.
I am not a crafter. I am creative, yes. But not with a gluegun. I am going to be sorting through the basement this week...cleaning and chucking...and I know that there will be some crafter somewhere who will stumble into the thrift store on the right day and find the mother-load that was my bin of intentioned creativity. "Have at er" I say! Good ridence!
I am looking forward to letting go of the stress that can come from uncreased pants, lackluster dinners, half completed crafts and overflowing Christmas boxes. I will have so much time left for...me. What I really know to be and the things I know I love that come easily and naturally.
I have heard that your "20's" are the years that you can really discover who you are. I think this is absolutely true. I want to settle into being that person proudly before I turn 30 at the end of the year.
Though I did my best to get our Christmas cards and yearly update to everyone who may be interested, I know I was missing some address'...
Here was our letter and love to you:)
Dear Family and Friends,
It is so hard to believe that we are wrapping up 2011! We had such a fun year with our busy boys. Jacob had his first birthday at the end of January and has been on the go since. He is a very happy little boy with a great sense of humour, he loves to make people laugh with his dancing, singing and silliness. His words are coming along quickly now but he never has a problem making his opinion known. He really looks up to his older brother and enjoys being included in Ben’s activities. Ben is fortunately, very patient and loving with him. They have a wonderful relationship that is a joy to watch.
Ben and Jacob both participated in a program at a local working farm run by our city this past spring. They had tractor rides and learned how to care for the many animals. Their favourite activity each week was grinding the corn to feed the goats. They learned to make new things in the kitchen and enjoyed a weekly animal craft. We were fortunate to have Gramma join us as we got to experience a little bit of farm life.
Summertime was full of swimming, playground picnics, outside fun…and the yard sales that Jenn loves! We were more successful in growing a garden this year, in that we harvested more than weeds. Our raspberries did the best and we were pleasantly surprised to keep picking into our mild October. We canned strawberry jam and applesauce for the first time and enjoyed the experience…not too much can beat the smell of strawberry jam cooking on the stove. The boys participated in a gymnastics club summer program which they both really enjoyed. The trampoline was their favourite gym activity and Jacob made us nervous every time! He has no fear in anything he does.
Ben Turned four at the end of August and we celebrated with his friends at the farm. He has really grown up and is full of questions and imagination. He talks incessantly and amazes us with his creativity. His interests include firefighters, superheros and space. He loves to draw. Most afternoons will find him at the table (or sprawled underneath) with his paper and art supplies. He will, on some days stay there for hours. He is learning his letters and is very enthusiastic about learning to read.
Jon is busy at work and we are fortunate that his office is only 5 minutes away so he is home early in the afternoon. He is still helping to teach a Kung Fu class for children two nights a week that Ben has recently started attending too. He is working at obtaining his higher belt levels in the adult class held afterwards.
2012 will bring some big changes to our family as we recently sold our current home that we have lived in for four and a half years and are busy looking for a new home that will suit our growing family. We are excited to be expecting our new baby in late June!
As I mail this off I can’t help but think of all of the loved ones in our lives and further away that we wish we could see more often. We hope this card finds you well, in good health and spirit. We send you our love and wishes for a Merry Christmas and wonderful 2012.
A delicious Christmas Eve dinner with Grammie and Grandad. A quiet Christmas with the four (and a half) of us with some visitors throughout the day, a relaxing brunch with Gramma and Grampa on boxing day, many generous gifts... We enjoyed it all!
Savior, Redeemer, Messiah, Lamb of God, Jehovah, Emmanuel, Jesus the Christ, Son of God. Son of Mary
I have been reflecting on the reasons we celebrate this time of year this evening. With all the expected excitement of the season it is almost easy to forget the little baby it is all about.
In thinking about this tiny person born for great things, I have been unable to stop thinking about his Mother.
Jon and I played Mary and Joseph three years ago in our church's production of a live outdoor nativity. The production is such that the audience takes a live walk through Bethlehem outdoors to different sets presenting the events of Christ's birth night.
The first stop was with the angel Gabriel and I, Mary. The audience listens as he tells her of what is to come and the child she is carrying. We did the scene many times for every group to come through for almost 5 nights. There was one particular time we ran through the scene that I began to suddenly fight back tears. I became emotional at the lines I had heard repeated by the angel countless times before.
"And the angel said unto her, Fear not, Mary: for thou hast found favour with God. 31 And, behold, thou shalt conceive in thy womb, and bring forth a Son, and shalt call His Name JESUS. 32 He shall be great, and shall be called the Son of the Highest: and the LORD God shall give unto Him the throne of His father David" (Luke 1:30-32).
"33 And He shall reign over the house of Jacob for ever; and of His Kingdom there shall be no end. 34 Then said Mary unto the angel, How shall this be, seeing I know not a man? 35 And the angel answered and said unto her, The Holy Ghost shall come upon thee, and the Power of the Highest shall overshadow thee: therefore also that Holy Thing which shall be born of thee shall be called the Son of God"
The Son of God. This is how we think of Christ, the magnitude of such makes his strength, influence, sacrifice and legacy understandable. He was after all, the son of God. But his Mother. She was just a woman. Asked to do the impossible from the very beginning. To carry a baby, immaculately and miraculously conceived. It seems obvious then, that she was in fact far from being "just a woman". Mary needed to encompass all the strength, determination and faith of all womankind to do what she must.
Holding her new born baby, she must have felt the rush of overwhelming emotion that all new mothers feel. She must have felt the inadequacy, fear and incredible love that Mothers for all time feel when holding their precious gift from God.
In this moment, though she knew that he was the king of kings, lord and redeemer, he was first and foremost her baby boy.
What a responsibility she had. What faith. It seems more and more that there are elements of the world I want to shield my children from. It is hard to look at such a precious child and the harshness of the world and know they need to find their place in it. More difficult yet to look at your precious child and know that he is the one to save it.
Did she know what was to come? Did she know of the babies killed after their departure from Bethlehem. Did she know what kind of Mother she would need to be to raise the perfect man? I suspect much of the compassion, love, kindness and wisdom he imparted on others in his life did not come to him from his birthright but from a Mother who loved him dearly and taught him well.
I think of her in his infancy, toddlerhood and early boyhood. She was his Mother, in every respect of the word, with all the needs of any child. And he would never stop needing her. The Son of God, savior of the world. His mother never left his side.
I can barely think of the absolute shattering of her heart as his last day came. Though it was what he was born to do, Christ himself asked, in the final hours to his God for the cup to be removed from him. This was not an easy thing for him to go through. He knew this but he moved forward. For his mother, she had been prepared for the impossible since his conception since no mother could bare what she was about to.
In testament to her great strength, faith and deep devotion to her son she went through this torturous crucifixion with him.
Even when he wondered in the final excruciating moments of his life where his father was, crying out "My God My God, why has thou forsaken me?" He never had to question where his mother was. Right in front of him.
As painful, as it was, the selfless sacrifice he went though for the never ending sins of the world. His Mother had to watch him do it.
When, on the third day Christ returned, I believe a resurrection was necessary, less as proof of his identity but for his Mother's comfort. He knew that she had born more than a mother's heart is naturally capable of.
I am so grateful for her example, the trials and hardships she faced with grace and with courage. I believe when God gives us one of his children, like Mary, he also blesses us with the capacity to raise them in a way that will deliver them back to him, should we accept the sometimes difficult path that presents. I know I need his guidance and assurance as I try to raise these men who may not be born with a purpose as legendary as our savior, but one as important as making this world better in following him. I look to Christ for his example in life, in deep gratitude for his sacrifice that offers me salvation. I also look to his Mother whose example still lives, on this day, when she held her new baby, so long ago.
