Happiness Is...

They give us a reason to smile, roll our eyes, laugh and hope everyday.

Life With Cancer

The pendulum of Cancer swings widely. There is frustration, worry and anger in full force one moment and gratitude, hope and determination in the next. Somewhere in the middle is exhaustion. That is where we hang much of the time. Life is tiring right now. Physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. I am tired.
And yet.
We find that each minute continues to arrive and some days it seems that I fill them just trying to reach the next. Certainly they add up and another day comes. I try not to feel like life is something to be wished away...but some of these days...I just want them to be over.
What life with cancer does do...in between the rest of it...is serve as a reminder of what matters. The little moments that catch us off guard. When we find ourselves laughing like there isn't any reason not to. Those are times that are so cherished.

I read a wonderful book that a friend bought me soon after Jon's diagnosis; The Divine Signature. In it there are so many examples of people who faithfully and courageously dealt with often heartbreaking and shocking trials. it is immensely inspiring and full of perspective. It reminds us to see God's hand in all things and count our blessings through everything. He talks about the coincidences of life as divine intervention and to acknowledge it as such to become closer to God. One quote that stuck with me was a comment made by an older woman. She said the problem she saw with people these days is we expect life to be fair and easy. It rarely is. She said we need to adjust our expectations to be happy.

We can look for the reasons to be all consumed by this...or we can look for reasons why we are so blessed by the lessons we are learning, the crash course in the "tough stuff", the love and support around us that never ceases to amaze me. There is some sort of unique confidence that comes from saying "I have the flu. I have a husband with Cancer. I have two preschool children. I am eight months pregnant. I am so exhausted that I cannot will myself off the bed". And then I do. SOMEHOW I get through it. I turn to God in desperation and he gives me what I need. Sometimes in doses so small that I am back again 15 minutes later but I get through it. And I have faith that we will get through it all. Somehow...maybe 15 minutes at a time and maybe we will even find a reason to laugh.

Happy Easter

While reading the Easter story to Ben and Jacob this year Ben was very serious about it. He seemed to understand to a greater degree that this is more then a story...this really happened, for him! He listened intently and sadly as we read to him from a children's illustrated bible and he had many questions. As the topic turned into what our plans entailed for the weekend the topic of celebration came up. some of the things we do to celebrate the resurrection is to eat special food and receive some spring treats in an Easter basket. "where does the basket come from?" Ben looked at me sideways...
uhhhhh....
After sharing with him the miracle of Christ's resurrection, the blessing of eternal life and the great love and sacrifice of our savior...I felt uncomfortable shadowing this with a story of a big bunny. Is the celebration of Easter not enough without a chocolate toting rodent to make it more exciting for children? When he realizes the fictional nature of the origin of his basket will he too question to some degree the legitimacy of the resurrection? I told him the truth.
"mommy and daddy get you some treats and so do your grandparents. We pretend sometimes that the Easter Bunny brings them but that is just for fun". He looked at me like clearly he understood that bunnies do not bring baskets...not really, he only wanted to see what I would say.
I think fantasy, imagination, creativity and a thin hold on reality at times are exactly what makes childhood unique and magical. Certainly encouraging these elements are important but when there is a REAL story that vastly outweighs any that I could make up...I just didn't see the point of a bunny.

A Sunday Picture...

I was hoping to take a picture of the boys on the first Sunday of each month...our first attempt went...well... I think it is self explanatory.

Kissing Cousins

Jacob LOVES his baby cousin Onnika! He loves to hold her, feed her a bottle and talk about her a good portion of the time. He also seems to understand that a very similar little person will be joining our family soon. He, as we all are, is VERY excited. Jacob is going to be a wonderful big brother! (He has had a very good teacher!)

28 weeks

Lets pretend that my mirror is not nearly this dirty...I knew how to turn my flash off and my face was in the picture...

Hello third trimester! Hello Heartburn and leg cramps. (Which after a first trimester of dry heaving and migraines...I am happy to be here! Funny thing, perspective...)

Assuredly after this photo was taken I could see that I am not AS big as I feel like I am. I FEEL gigantic. Now I know... I still have a long way to go. I hope this last trimester goes by as quickly as the second did. I can hardly imagine life with a new baby again...a little GIRL baby at that! And yet I can't remember a time when she hasn't been present in our life to some degree...lingering in the background. We have been expecting her for a long time. I felt her when I was pregnant with Ben and again with Jacob... It wasn't that I wanted a girl over a boy, I just really felt like there was a girl in our family...she has been named and been shopped for, for 5 years.
***This was the baby's closet in 2007...before we found out it was Ben coming first! (it would have made your head spin how fast that closet went from pink to blue...but I kept everything...and went through it all again when we were expecting Jacob!)

And finally...here she comes! We can't wait to meet this little girl!

Lately...

I don't want to forget these little moments that made me smile...

Ben- snuggling up to me on the couch with the blanket from his bed.
"Mommy...I am using my "orgidary" blanket. But I am not an Orgidary boy.
"oh no?"
"I am a..." He looks down sheepishly at the floor and stifles a smile "SUPER boy".

He is surprising me with the depth of his questions lately...mostly because I have to actually think now..or even look it up!
"Mommy, if there is no other route where a construction crew is working, where would they put the detour?" (and yet he pronounces it "orgidary" ha!)
"If gas is clear, what colour is diesel fuel

Ben is starting to read. He has some sight words that he knows, recognizes and can write all of his letters and numbers (except the number 2...and "S" he struggles with them horribly and I have to try not to laugh at his efforts because his frustration is very real, but also secretly makes me smile). He wants DESPERATELY to read which is the fire he needs to get himself there. I am thrilled with his enthusiasm. I have read to him from literally the day he was born, filled our home with hundreds of children's books and planned weekly library trips for years in hopes that I would have children who love to read. There is nothing you can't learn, no where you can't go and nothing better then getting caught up in a book!

Jacob is a nutty little dancer. He stomps and claps as he hops around...then he falls on the ground lifting a leg and shouting "Ta Daaaaa"!

he loves to be wrapped in a blanket and rocked in his rocking chair. He loves to be "my baby" he reminds me of this as we rock- "My Mommy baby?" he says in his sweet little falsetto. Always I say. Always.

Jon went to watch his Kung Fu class last week. He had brought the boys with him a few times when I was sick last winter and Jake remembers this vividly. Jon shut the door and Ben inquired where he went. Jacob, overhearing, ran back in the kitchen moments later with his little fire fighter rain boots squeezed on over his footed pajamas. "ME GO! ME GO! ME GO! ME GO DADDY!" It was a mix of hopeful desperation and I knew the face that would crumble when I broke him the news. "Daddy already left, just Daddy is going tonight". Sure enough, he crumbled to the ground, shoulders hung. The same little voice now wailing in defeat "Nooooo Meeeee Gooooo!" oh the heartbreak! It was truly pathetic. If we had another vehicle I would have actually driven him over myself I could barely stand it. But true to two year resiliency, some of his beloved Duck's antics on Little Bear and a bowl of grapes was enough to distract him.

I talked to Ben on the phone the other day. I didn't recognize his voice and realized that I had never spoken to him over the telephone before. It was strange. I had never been away from him so much to warrant a phone conversation in the past.

I sure am grateful for the happiness that little children bring to a family. They really do add a level of joy to our home that couldn't otherwise be had without every little bit of what they have to offer. These are hard times, but they are happy days.