Stretchmarks of the Heart.

My Ben.
When he was born I knew when I held him that I would never again be the person I was. I was entirely transformed. I was a Mother. His Mother. And from that moment forward my life has revolved around this identity.
I love him and he loves me.
Oh how he loves me.
I get teary sometimes when I catch him looking at me because to see someone look at you with that much love can be overwhelming.

I knew I wanted more children. Needed more. I could imagine the first time I met any of the exciting milestones and moments of parenthood with Ben that it would be the last time. I couldn't imagine those first weeks with a new baby being the only ones I ever experienced (especially when I didn't know to treasure them and their light speed until they were over). No. There would be more children. That was certain. One way or another.

I knew Ben would struggle with this. His bond with me is deep and to have someone, no matter how small and precious, interfere with and threaten that bond was something too big for him to handle.

My Jacob.
When he was born I knew when I held him that I would never again be the person I was. I was entirely transformed. I was a Mother of two. Jacob's Mother and Ben's Mother. And in that moment my heart grew and split in two exactly equal parts. It contained all that I felt for Ben and all the I felt for him. Separately and exactly.

Unfortunately while my love was multiplied my time and hands were divided. Ben would feel so displaced in his jelousy when I had to tend to a hungry Jacob that he would cry every time I nursed him initially. So stung as the witness of a new bond forming in front of him, with another. I had heard the analogy of bringing home a new baby to being welcomed by your husband with a new wife after work. No, you really don't care how cute she is, and are not interested in sharing your stuff with her. You really hate that she is getting attention and gifts and everyone jumps up if she so much as makes a peep but if you speak up you get in trouble. You didn't ask for this and no one can make you like it, no matter how likable she may be. I got this image. I knew that this acceptance would take time and we couldn't push.

We took more steps backward than forward however when he would hit or pinch a sleeping Jacob and make him howl. I was surprised at the anger I felt for him in those times. I had never before felt that way towards him. There have been times where he was ONLY gentle and loving to Jacob when he thought I wasn't looking. As if he to prove his loyalty to me by not accepting the intruder, if this was a test he was standing strong.

He referred to Jacob as "your baby". He thought him deserving of nothing, as he had already taken what Ben valued most, he made certain any toy, blanket or pacifier within's arms reached was quickly moved away from him. He interacted with him as little as possible and seemed to resolve the situation by pretending he didn't exist.

I was devastated. I read books about sibling relations but most said to just back off and others said to just accept that siblings may never be friends. You can't force it. My dreams of two little boys riding bikes, playing road hockey, giggling together under their fort were getting dimmer.

Then something changed.
Ben noticed something. His brother ABSOLUTELY adored him. Jacob would light up and wiggle and kick at the very sound of Ben coming in the room. He laughed if he so much glanced in his direction and to interact with him? He would shake with happiness.
Ben could only keep it up for so long. Not long after his observation he could be caught tickling him rather than pinching him, and he stared calling him "Jakey", getting him toys and trying his best to make him laugh. If Jacob was napping he asked how long until he was up. Ben was falling in love. Sometime in the fall, things really changed. I noticed that their adoration for one another was just about equal and I relaxed and let those camp out visions of the future back in. I could see Ben's heart stretching a little each time to let Jacob in more and more.

On Sunday, Jon told me Ben said something that bothered me to hear. "I want to find a baby with no family and pinch him". OH the horror! To hear such a horrible thing come out of my sweet boy's mouth! I probed further to see his train of thought and found that he believed he could pinch a baby with no family because there would be no one to call him on it. When I asked him why he would ever want to pinch a little baby he said "so-cause sometimes they are just...bad". He crawled up on my lap and looked into the distance. He still misses the way things were sometimes. He misses being my one and only, regardless of how much he can't help but love his brother, and I think he finally realizes that Jacob is here to stay no matter what.

Today however, I heard Ben whisper something and made me think that the more he thought about what he said on Sunday the more perhaps, he didn't think that way, not really. Because today he stopped playing with his brother and said,
"I love you Jakey."