The Miracle of Elizabeth.

Surprise.
A little blue line...and then another. The box confirmed it was a positive.
Not planned for, but so very wanted.
We are so happy, excited and grateful that we are blessed to be parents again. Another precious baby. Could we be so fortunate?
It takes only moments for me to create a whole life in my mind and my heart. I have already held a sweet soft body close to mine. I have already rocked, sung to, and  prayed for this baby.  At this moment it may be a faceless, genderless baby the size of a poppy seed but it is ours. The dreams and wishes that hope and love create. A blessing that we love already.

"There is no heartbeat".

Those are words I had not imagined. The power of them so crushing.
I looked at the ultrasound technician.
I shook my head at her.
She looked at me like tragically she had looked at too many Mother's before.
I got up from the table and waited in the room for a few moments. Gathering my composure before facing a hopeful  Daddy, I was already feeling somehow like I was to blame. I don't want to do this. I don't want to be here. I wanted...a heartbeat. More desperately than I had ever wanted anything before I wanted this baby, no matter what.

I met with the doctor the next day. I sat numb in front of him.
7 weeks the ultrasound report said.
There should be a heartbeat.
What did I want to do?
What did I want to do?! I wanted my body to start growing this baby. I wanted that little seed on the screen to show life. I wanted God to step in, show me that He sees me. I wanted life to be fair.

"I am not doing anything without another ultrasound."
7 weeks. He looked sadly at me, unable to deny this woman on the verge of sobbing this last request he silently wrote me a requisition.

For a week I bartered, prayed and pleaded. I can love any baby You give me. I wanted to believe that hope and faith itself could restore life in my body, put things back on the course that I was more accustomed to. I didn't want to have to do hard things. This was a hard thing.

As the day approached, more quickly now, I had to move towards acceptance. I knew what was to be would be. I finally believed, that there may not be a baby. I had to know that God would give me what I needed to get through it. Jon and I sat for a moment in the car before we went into the clinic together.

We handed it over to God. Prayed for the strength to accept what was.
I felt strong. And sad.

I didn't breath while the technician poured her ointment over my stomach. I tried not to look at her face as she showed no hint of releasing prematurely the results on the screen.   She stared stoned faced at the monitor and then suddenly flipped it around at me.

"here is your baby".

An unmistakable flicker.

There was life. There was God.
He saw us.We saw His timing.


I was sick.
So sick. For 12 straight weeks I  concentrated on the clock. Until 5 o clock when Jon would come through the door and release me in my physical misery to my bedroom where I would pray for sleep. The only time I had relief from the constant nausea, exhaustion and migraine. But I was grateful. If this was what I had to do for this baby I would.

Jon took such good care of me. He never voiced any frustration or annoyance at what our life presented us in the Christmas season that was far from Merry in our home. He was loving, compassionate and patient. I would be in the next few weeks grateful for his example when I would be in a position to then care for him.

When our entire world would come crashing down around us. With one word.

Cancer.

It happened to be colon cancer awareness month when Jon was diagnosed. When his fatigue and dizzy spells were not just something to brush off after all.

He became sick almost exactly at the onset of my second trimester when miraculously I had exactly the energy and stamina I needed to care for him and me and everyone else.

We saw God's timing. He saw us.


There was a woman who worked at a fabric store my mom used to frequent. Whenever she found the last of an item hiding in the back that a customer wanted, received exact change or cut the fabric to the desired amount and met the end of the role she would declare "there's God". This habit of finding Him in our day was contagious and ever since my mom and I have declared the same when met with a convenient "coincidence".

We were having some big "There's God" moments.

Despite our grief at Jon's diagnosis we were strong. I was strong, for this baby that forced me to eat, and sleep and laugh. I needed that baby, right then. God knew what was coming when he sent our baby to us, so unexpectedly, so against the odds. We discovered that a side effect of Jon's treatment may likely end our chances of having more children. We were so grateful again that she came when she did, God knew better.
He showed us the worth of this life to our family by reminding us how fragile it is when we waited and wanted for 7 long days. He showed us we could get through hard things together, somehow when I was sick. He gave us small insights into the depth of our strength before putting us in the deep end of life. He showed us how involved He is in our lives and asked for our trust. We were able to give it to him. Hand it over and in His timing we said we could accept what came.
"If he gets you to it" as they say... "He will get you through it".

He has.

At 19 weeks we forgot about surgeon appointments, oncology, specialists, pills, sleepless nights and stress for an afternoon and eagerly awaited the ultrasound technicians voice.

There SHE was.

She has been such a joy to us, during such a time of hardship and struggle. What a beautiful interruption from what life had become. An endless timeline of appointments and packing for our move. We could pause when it became too much and focus on the reminder of my growing stomach that life goes on, it is good and He sees us.

The one issue that continued to upset me the most was the thought that Jon wouldn't be able to attend her birth. His chemotherapy appointments fell on Fridays. He had one on her due date. He wears a pump for 47 hours that drains the drugs into his chest and then has a detox period of 3 days. During this 6 day span he is considered "toxic" and he could not accompany me to the labor and delivery floor. Pregnant and nursing woman cannot go into the chemo suite at the hospital and so he cannot bring it onto a floor of new babies and nursing mothers.
I was so torn.
If he couldn't be there than I didn't want anyone there.
my midwife suggested that we schedule an induction then.
I agreed to that and the day. I thought I would feel relieved at this but I did not. I was increasing risk to our baby, increasing risk of emergency surgery for myself if the induction didn't progress as planned. Which as 39 weeks...it may not considering I had my other babies at 41 and 42 weeks.
I called off the induction finally and sought faith instead.
God had showed His timing, and the perfection of it, considering things that only came into our knowledge after the fact. We decided together that we would again trust His timing.

As her due date approached my faith was rocky. I was so worried that I would go into labor without Jon there. I hated the thought of having to phone him to tell him I was leaving for the hospital without him.

The birth of every child is a miracle. The more I do it, the more I know it. I wanted so badly for him to wittness the birth of his daughter. I prayed and prayed. I hadn't asked for something specific for a long time. Usually I ask for strength of the generic God given kind to get through what He is about to throw at us next. But I prayed for this. "please please let Jon be at her delivery, we need this right now".
I went to sleep feeling peaceful.
I woke up in labor.

I gave birth to our daughter naturally at 39 weeks 6 days.
The day before her due date.
There was nothing done to induce her labor except heartfelt prayer.
Jon was there, beside me at every moment.

He sees us.

We are so grateful for this journey we are on. We have learned more about ourselves and life and God then we otherwise could have.

We are so grateful for her.

Elizabeth Annabella....Joy.