Little Things

I am not perfect. I can't do it all.

That is the problem.

I want to be able to wake up at dawn and prepare the day for my family, I would like to wear peals and bake and cook food successfully. I would like to keep my sing song voice at all time because I have unwavering patience. I would like to keep up with current events and actually read all the books I take out of the library. I would like to have the energy to go dutifully to the gym when the children are in bed and home school in the method most suited for each of their learning styles, certain that they will have the confidence and skills they need to be successful in whatever it is they choose to pursue. I want to do my hair and makeup everyday...never leave the house in pants that have no intention of seeing a yoga studio. I want to craft and bake with my children and cram so many magical moments in their short childhoods that when grown they can scarcely think of anything else but the awe they have of their perfect, Mother.

Whew. I am exhausted just thinking about it. Which is how I resolved that I can feasibly pick only a few from the list everyday to conquer. Some things of course are non negotiable and some have not once made the top ten (pearls??) but the guilt for my constant inadequacy always remains.

Until I had this experience that lifted the Mother Guilt and gave me new insight into shaping my priority list. I made a note to share it here as well...with my future self who surely will need to be reminded of this again when expectations rise too high.

While Jon was out a few weeks ago I had put the kids to bed and went outside to cut back some of the bushes in our side walkway that were growing over the walk. Since I couldn't find proper scissors I was hacking away with children's safety scissors (yes yes, I know.) and obviously my thoughts turned to Ben. I thought about how much he loves to help me and feel valued and useful with any sort of purposeful work I can give him. On a whim, and without any thought I went up and woke him up.

Now. As a side...I do not mess with my children's sleep. There is NOTHING that comes between us and bedtime. Nothing. Keeping them on a very structured sleep schedule is the only area that I am absolutely firm with and it works. Well rested children are happy children. To wake up Ben this particular night is simply unheard of. I really was just was overcome with impulse.

Ben helped me hack away with his scissors and was delighted when our neighbor caught us and admired his pruning skills and willingness to help me. Ben beamed until we were finished and then happily started back up to bed, satisfied with his little taste out of the ordinary.

Until the unthinkable happened.

I am certain that the universe had been on course since the beginning of existence so that this very moment could occur just as our backs were turning.

A firetruck came down our street.
Said Firetruck parked in front of our house (which was NOT on fire.)

As a second side... Benjamin Alexander is obsessed with fire fighting. He will often only answer to "Fire-Fighter Ben".

The firefighters (yes, the calender variety!) were making their way around neighborhoods giving out information and stickers about fire safety and reminding us to check our smoke detectors. They found Ben's star struck-ness adorable and humored him for a good while.

That boy went to bed happy all right. Clutching his fire safety pamphlets and sticker on his forehead.

When he woke the next morning I coaxed him to tell Daddy what special thing happened the night before.

"Mommy woke me up and had a special job for me! We cut all the bushes and I helped!"

I looked at him. Surely he must have thought the firefighters had been a dream.

"Aaaaand Ben, what else happened? Did someone come to see you in a special truck?"

"Oh yes, firefighters came to our house" he dismissed. And went on "I used my green scissors and we cut all the pieces that were too long and then we put them in bags...."

I was stunned. Such a tiny moment. Surely not comparable to real live firefighters pulling up in front of our house! I didn't think he would even remember the reason for getting up in the first place. How could I compete?

What I learned is that Firefighters don't compare to Mommy.

I also learned that I don't need to TRY so hard to make every single moment memorable. When the pressure is off and I am just being plain old me (with or without peals) the memories just happen. I just have to love them.

I just have to love them!

And the rest just happens.

...And THAT I can do perfectly.