On Layaway

I hear the expression "you are only given what you can handle" frequently. By others and my own reassurances.

I was, however mistaken.

The fog of denial was lifting. The full weight of our current situation was fully beginning to set in and I was feeling a rush of hormones and emotions tangoing in a dangerous direction. My thoughts were dark and pessimistic. I was angry, resentful and bordering on hopeless exhaustion during yet another sleepless night.

Thoughts of a move with a husband post surgery, a new baby and chemo, 2 little boys with their world turned upside down and...me. I needed to be more than I am. NOW.

I felt desperate and so very very inadequate. I was not enough. There is a mistake because I cannot handle this.

I cannot breeze through my entire life with a charm hanging over my head to be crash coursed into a scenario such as this and be expected to be the brave, strong, energetic and faithful everything to so many people who all need all of me.

I cannot.
I cannot.
I cannot.

And it is true.

I could not.

"7 Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you:

8 For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that aseeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened." Mathew:7-8

We prayed. We prayed and we prayed. We could FEEL the prayers of those around us. I asked for what I didn't currently posses. Peace. Comfort. Faith.

It was an epiphany of sorts as I sat in my thicker skin, with my fuller heart.

I had falsely believed that people who go through great trials are strong. I would be exempt, certainly. But on the contrary...it is the weak who are made strong by the things they were certain they could not do.

When we ask Him for what we need to carry on however, his Grace provides this. I am living off of borrowed strength.

My strength is on layaway. Bit by bit, I will earn more and more to own myself. For now, his grace is sufficient and I am grateful for it.