For the Confidence of Mothers.

***This post, admittedly is long. I tried to edit it down but I feel so much of it needs to be said. Please read to the end. Even if you are reading accidentally and don't have young children any longer you can pass this attitude along.

When a woman I know kept her three year old child in daycare after her second son was born she explained that he was there because they could offer him things she couldn’t. I wondered what she was talking about but assumed she didn’t want to admit that she was overwhelmed with two at home. I don’t want a sand and water table in my basement either but otherwise I have never thought that a daycare could offer better or more than I could.

When she put her youngest son in daycare when he turned one (six months before she would return to work) and expressed how much she missed them I realized that she truly thought they were better off there. She believed that this brick building full of toddlers, germs and bright murals on the wall could offer her children more than she could. For $1600.00 a month she would be comforted that her children were being raised in a way they assured in so many ways was more superior than her parenting. Clearly new parents should not be left to their own devices; childcare should be left to the professionals. The underpaid, undervalued and overworked professionals who understand the emotional and developmental needs of our youngsters and would never put a diaper on backwards.

I didn’t know that this was a collective idea our society is beginning to truly embrace until a conversation with a friend yesterday. She is struggling with the decision to stay home and parent her children full time. She questions, like most on maternity leave in our country with a “generous” one year allowance. Long enough to bond with baby but short enough that the call of professionalism, blazers, manicures and coffee breaks can still be heard. This poses a conundrum for many mothers torn between the best of both worlds. She relayed a conversation she had with a friend looking for daycares for her yet to born child. “We have to start looking now if we want a good spot. One daycare told us that kindergarten teachers can TELL what daycare your child went to!” Gasp! I couldn’t help but think that is not necessarily positive but continued to keep my mouth closed as she continued. “My husband reminded me after that visit that If I do stay home that it is a big responsibility, not one that he thinks he could do! They need to be prepared for school and not be behind the other children who had advantages that daycares can offer, I just worry that I can’t do that…”.

So much of me wanted to jump up on the sofa and yell to all the other Mother’s within ear shot…”do you hear this?! Do you feel this way too?! Is there something wrong with me for having higher than seemingly average confidence in my parenting skills?! Should my kids be in some kind of daycare too?!”

Fortunately my soap box is here and so no sofa springs were broken in the making of this run on thought. I was able to go home and think about my feelings on the topic and examine why I feel so strongly and so defensive of a role that I feel is inherently mine and offended at the suggestion that I could pay someone $11.50 an hour to do it better.

Parents often struggle, in my observations, with getting caught up in the “shoulds”. My child SHOULD be sitting, crawling, talking, walking, toilet training, doing numbers, letters, spelling his name…and if he is not? We are in a hurry to tame our toddlers and thrust them into the next stage as fast as we can so we can stop worrying that stage will be delayed or not arrive at all. One can revel in the success of the accomplishment for just a moment until thoughts of the next milestone creep in or we witness little Emma count backwards from 100 at the park and fear our child may be left behind again. If you are caught in the “shoulds” than parenting can be a daunting task. When you look at the adult you want your child to be and the countless milestones big and small that need to be reached to get there, the task seems overwhelmingly insurmountable. Impossible really to TEACH a child everything they must know. We forget of course that we have 20 years to do it in and children learn even when we are not teaching. In fact, that is when they do it best.

This is how I got out of the “shoulds” and let the worry and burden go in parenting.

I marvel at what my children can do. I marveled at the newborn Jacob, so helpless he was poking himself in the eye and crying not even aware that he was owner of the offending finger. I looked to his brother who was light years away developmentally and thought it truly is amazing that in two years all that can happen. Under my care he not only developed capable and conscious use of his fingers but learned to roll, crawl, sit, stand, walk, run. He developed the dexterity to hold a spoon, colour with crayons, build with blocks and use his creativity and imagination in ways that continue to startle and amaze us. He has displayed kindness, compassion; empathy and humour that make me beam with pride. And Jacob? He is following right along, amazing us everyday with accomplishments big and small that propel him a little further everyday.

My role in this? Of course I mapped out the mathematical formula of appropriate crawl methods. The leg to arm span that must be reached to best support the spine and allow for a symmetrical crawl. I demonstrated on all fours repeatedly. I had other infants come over and demonstrate and then used a consistent method of positive reinforcement until he had mastered it.

Of course I did not.

That is insane.

All I did was give my kids a little credit. They crawled because that is the natural progression of development; it is the same reason why they continue to move forward literally and figuratively. It is for nothing conscious that I have done, but for allow it and create opportunities to support their development. Ben speaks the way he does because I simply talked to him. I listened to him and I showed genuine interest in his efforts to communicate. I have fun with them.

I could have sat down with Ben yesterday and talked about measurements and all the different methods one can measure. I could have been worried when he didn’t seem to pick up what the curriculum book said he should and been alarmed at his disinterest in sitting at a table with a book for an hour.

Instead we baked cookies, with lots of measuring cups.

Then we shoveled snow into a bucket and counted the spoonfuls of snow that it held. Later on Ben helped Jon measure a wall with his measuring tape. In the course of a day he learns gross motor development (at the park…) fine motor skills (with his fork) colours (with his paint) math (at the grocery store) socialization (with every person we come across) literacy (through books) Concentration (with his puzzles) conflict resolution (every ten minutes with his brother) Most importantly, in learning indirectly about things such as measurement we both learn of the things in life that are immeasurable.

When you trust yourself and your child then it becomes easy. You are both moving in the right direction and when you stop forcing it, it just becomes natural.

Above all, what I give my children that supersedes anything that anyone else can, is love. In the most important five years of their lives I hug them, kiss them, cuddle them, reassure them, encourage them, adore them and delight in them in ONLY a way that their mother can. Anything else can be made up for later. You can teach a five year old of average intelligence their colours in about thirty minutes. They will pick up their letters after a few rounds of the ABC song. The fact that some learned to do it before they were two years old really has no bearing on future success. Children are sponges for knowledge; they won’t be left behind in kindergarten if somehow they haven’t already picked it up, they will learn it easily and enthusiastically when they are ready to. I have never sat down with Ben to learn letters, numbers, shapes or any of the other seemingly essential pieces of knowledge the parent of the one year old worries about teaching. He just picked it up all on his own. One day he just started pointing out letters and counting higher and higher...I don’t worry about that “stuff” anymore. The true foundation of what the first five years are meant for is to establish their self worth, esteem, sense of unconditional love and ideas about trust, security and belonging. This isn’t well learned in kindergarten. Or daycare.

Truly there is nothing that I fear my children are missing out on that can be offered outside of their home during these years. Preschool children don’t need 30 same age peers to socialize them. The likelihood of positive interaction under the age of 3 is minimal anyhow as all they have to share with their immature interpersonal skills are some bite marks and gastrointestinal bugs unique to settings such as those.

Am I knocking daycares? Of course not, I used to run one, a really good one. I think they are effective in meeting the basic physical and emotional needs of children. Certainly children can and do thrive there but don't let that encroach on the once obvious first choice. Inevitably these daycares will be void of elements that cannot possibly be recreated from a healthy home or involved and loving full time parent perspective but they can fill the gaps by teaching other things. Of course daycares have to sell themselves. They are a business. My plea is to not buy into that notion that they offer something in modern day that is less archaic than old fashioned Mothering.

There is an unfair expectation being placed on Mothers that her simple quality of presence it not enough to give children a fair advantage. The plethora of parenting magazines, media messages, toy stores offering an abundance of distractions and daycare's advertising best start initiatives undermine the confidence of Mother's in their ability to do so effectively without every flash card on the market, tuition to the best preschools and a wall of degrees justifying credentials worthy of child rearing. The pressure can be enough to drown under. Or hand over to someone else.

The truth of it is however, if she could offer them nothing else but the love in her heart for the first five years it would be invaluable to them. They would not remember the vehicles they drove, the large house her income afforded them or the many toys they could provide. They would reflect what only a mother can instill in a small child. They would remember HER.

Just ask them. Or the adult children raised by Mothers at home.

My Mother occupies all of my early memories. There is a secure warmth to them. I don't know if we went without in other ways, I don't know if she held guilt at not being able to afford us all the she wanted to at that time or if she felt pressure as a first generation feminist to do it all because she could and thus should. What I do know is that her constant presence was a comfort. She was and is an admirable woman of strength and passion. She never let Mothering equate self sacrifice. She pursued interests and hobbies throughout my early life. She did not define full time parenting as martyrdom and presented herself as a multi-faceted woman with plenty of strengths. I admired and respected her as a woman and a Mother then and now. Jonathan was equally blessed with a Mother who was put on this earth to do just that. A more nurturing woman I have never known. Any success of her child was a success of hers. I don't believe there is a position in life she would hold in higher esteem than that which she aspired to and exemplified so admirably; she wears motherhood like a proud badge. And the fruits of her efforts are two remarkable men. I believe both would say the investment was worth it. Stories such as ours, from generations in the not so distant past are reminders of what it takes to raise children effectively. Perhaps some of my confidence in not having to give my children everything all of the time for them to prosper comes from looking at ourselves. Jon and I are both successful and happy in life. Two of the highest hopes I think we can agree collectively, we all have for our children. We both excelled in school, we obtained degrees from respected schools and neither stepped foot in a daycare center. Our Mothers didn't have the luxury of google and parent chat rooms. They had to trust their instincts and their intent. I don't believe they questioned their capabilities to the extent Mothers do today.

There are lots of reasons; legitimate reasons why children need to spend the majority of their day in the care of another. These are justified and certainly some children do better away from a home environment that is not peaceful or stable. But for the average child from the average home who are spending their days in childcare I would sincerely hope it is NOT because they have a Mother who feared she was not good enough. My hope is that more Mothers can find confidence in their worth, understanding of their role, know they are irreplaceable and see that in their children’s eyes they are sacred.

It was in this realization about the profound importance of Mothers in the lives of all children but especially the smallest that influenced my decision to parent full time. For this and other reasons I wanted to be home with my child with as little distractions as possible, to relish my time with him and occupy fully this short phase in his life. I did this with full intent and awareness of the sacrifices we would have to make. The meals I would cook from scratch, the amount of times I would have to say no to new “things”, the fine line between "needs" and "wants", the one vehicle we would drive and the “stuff” that would have to lose it’s value in our family while priority was truly being discovered.

For not one moment of one day have I questioned this decision. Some days are very difficult, some days I struggle but every day I am confident. What I KNOW is that I am the best person to raise my children simply because I am their Mother who loves them more than there are words to describe. To allow a little child to marinate in this unique and unparalleled love for their first years will give their spirit a head start. This I know.

Truly, deciding to raise my children is the best thing I could ever have done and for the whole of my life I will look at these years and feel my heart swell for the gratitude that I owned the sweetest years of my children’ life. I know without a shadow of a doubt they, and I will be better for it.

***If anything in this post made you think or feel enough to want to share it, please do in any space where you share “stuff”. I only ask that you link back to this site.